A child may get stuck between divorced parents

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs that we will undertake in our life time. Our children are exposed to so many things through the media, internet, peers and cell phone access that it is very difficult to keep tract of what our children are doing and what information they have access to. This task is even more difficult for divorced parents.

When children live in more than one household it takes good communications to keep tract of what they are doing. Divorced parents need to be aware of what the children are allowed to do and access in each other’s homes. This can be accomplished through direct communication. A huge mistake that many divorced parents make is trying to communicate through the children. This is a mistake for several reasons. The main reason is that it places the children in the middle. It also pressures a child to be able to deliver a message word for word, which studies have shown most adults cannot do. Another reason why trying to communication through the children is ineffective is that it allows room for the child to manipulate the messages, which can result in misdirected anger. Most people do not like the role of playing messenger between two people. The messenger is often in the position of being exposed to the person’s reaction to the message. Divorced parents forget that most time the children want to be left out of the emotional baggage that may exist between them. The children need to feel that they are permitted to love both of their parents. Having to hear responses about messages they are delivering may make this difficult.

If divorced parents are able to agree to put their differences aside when they are dealing with parenting issues, things can run much smoother. If the children know that their divorced parents are openly communicating about the activities of the children, they will feel more secure. This will also greatly decrease the ability of the children to manipulate their divorced parents. Studies have shown that children crave having a set routine. It is comforting for them to know what is in store for them, especially during the school year, when they are also faced with learning and peer issues. Through good communications children can have this routine, even if their time is divided between two households.

Due to the high rate of divorce there are services and support systems in most communities for divorced parents. These services include support groups as well as counseling and literature. Some communities also include support groups for the children of divorced families. Most of these services are available free of charge or for a very minimal fee. Having a support group gives the parents a place to vent without putting their children in the middle.